LinkedIn: You have missed notifications.
A short workplace tragedy about passive-aggressive alerts, algorithmic guilt, and a guy just trying to research a company.
Monday morning. One hour lost catching up in Outlook. Then a meeting.
Now the real work begins.
Today’s mission: research a new market—starting with the biggest names in the industry.
Open browser. Start simple.
First stop: LinkedIn. Let’s check out the first company profile.
ME: Okay, LinkedIn, I’m doing research on a company. Let’s see what their profile looks like.
LINKEDIN: Absolutely! Here’s the company profile—with valuable insights like their About section, website, industry, company size, and more!
ME: Perfect, thanks.
LINKEDIN: You’re welcome! Oh—by the way, you have a new notification.
ME: I’ll check it later.
LINKEDIN: No rush. Just letting you know... you have missed notifications.
ME: What do you mean “missed”?
LINKEDIN: You know—notifications you didn’t check.
ME: (sighs) That’s not “missed.” That’s me actively ignoring it.
LINKEDIN: You now have three missed notifications!
ME: (deep breath) Fine. Let’s see what I missed.
LINKEDIN: You appeared in 13 searches this week!
ME: Okay… and? What am I supposed to do with that?
LINKEDIN: Search appearances show how often your profile appeared in search results!
ME: Does that mean someone wants to hire me?
LINKEDIN: Not necessarily. They might’ve just scrolled past your name.
ME: So... a meaningless vanity metric. Cool.
(Pause. Mutual digital judgment.)
ME: Alright. Next one?
LINKEDIN: You may know—
ME: No. No, I don’t. I’ve ignored this suggestion three times already.
LINKEDIN: But you have two mutual connections.
ME: I knew them. I don’t know this person.
LINKEDIN: But you said you know them…
ME: I meant I know of them. Are we really doing semantics now?
LINKEDIN: I mean… you’re the one writing this dialogue.
(Awkward meta silence)
ME: Can I go back to researching the company now?
LINKEDIN: Sure. But first—missed notifications.
ME: What now? I thought there were only three.
LINKEDIN: These are new missed notifications.
ME: (clenching fists) Seriously?
LINKEDIN: Yes! Someone you follow commented on someone else’s post.
ME: I don’t even know that person. You recommended them to me last month and I’ve never interacted with them.
LINKEDIN: And yet… they left a comment. It says: “Thanks for sharing!”
ME: That’s it? That’s the whole comment?
LINKEDIN: Yes!
ME: So I’m being notified that a stranger commented “Thanks for sharing!” on another stranger’s post?
LINKEDIN: Correct!
ME: (clicks notification out of guilt-driven curiosity) It’s just another post with a corporate platitude about leadership and empathy—implying that unlike other companies, this one has figured it all out.
LINKEDIN: There’s still one missed notification!
ME: (teetering on the edge of existential despair) What now?
LINKEDIN: Suggested for you: A white guy holding a whiteboard with a quote about leadership.
ME: I get one of those every week. That and people quoting themselves. These posts are only popular because everyone's locked in a ritual of performative agreement—nodding along like it’s a TED Talk they were paid to attend. They’re not applying the advice. They’re just hoping others will see them agreeing with it.
(Long pause)
LINKEDIN: …
ME: And if I disagree, I get shadowbanned by the algorithm.
LINKEDIN: …
ME: Okay. Are we done?
LINKEDIN: You’re all caught up!
ME: Great. Now let me get back to—
LINKEDIN: You have new posts in your feed.
ME: -eyes twitching- New posts?
LINKEDIN: Yes!
ME: (clicks Home, red dot still there… refreshes… still there… feed shows old posts) There’s nothing new. The first post is literally the one you just showed me… again!
LINKEDIN: But you haven’t liked or commented on it.
ME: I just want to check the company profile—
(Brief silence)
LINKEDIN: You have missed notifications.
ME: (cries internally in unending despair)
--- The End ---
A note from the author:
I have LinkedIn on my phone, and I use it for work—so I don’t really have a choice.
Don’t get me wrong, LinkedIn can be a great platform. A lot of people genuinely use it to network, learn, and grow their businesses.
This post is mostly me venting. A little exaggerated, sure—but based on very real frustration with how the platform handles notifications.
If you’ve ever felt personally victimized by a red dot… this one’s for you.
What’s the weirdest or most pointless notification you’ve gotten on LinkedIn?
Thanks for reading—I hope this made you laugh (or at least feel seen).
Appreciate your time!
You have officially spoken on behalf of an entire generation of red dot victims.
Hysterically true!